The first step in finding happiness: the recognition and some basic elements – part 7: What is your love language?

(If you wish to read this article in its original, Hungarian version, click here)

This weekend I had the chance to experience another wonderful moment of unconditional love. That is what inspired me to write about the five love languages today which is a very important concept if we are to experience unconditional love ourselves. I got the basics of my knowledge in the topic from ,,What are the 5 love languages?” by Gary Chapman, a book which I wholeheartedly recommend to every kind reader.

The book introduces us to the five love languages:

-        Words of affirmation

-        Physical touch

-        Acts of service

-        Quality time

-        Gifts

Every person expresses and accepts love in these ways. It can also be said that everyone needs all five of them to a certain level. But everyone has one or two main love languages. That is the love language which best makes it known to a person that they are loved and appreciated. My main love languages for instance are physical touch and acts of service. Knowing our love language is very important for our self image. Our love language doesn’t only play a part in how we like to recieve love, but also in how we instinctively give it. However, that way is not always the best way. I could go on for hours giving examples from my own life or close environment, about how knowing about the five love languages and using them properly can improve relationships. If everyone on the planet had this knowledge and could use it on an every-day basis, the global happiness rate would skyrocket. But why is that so? Because most people, when trying to express love, will do it in a way that they themselves would be happy recieving it. But if the person who is actually recieving it has a different love language, they might not understand the true depth of the giver’s intentions. This contributes to many conflicts and unsatisfying relationships.

Let’s look at a real life example. I had a lady come to me once who really needed some good relationship advice. She had had a fight with her partner again and came to me for some emotional support. They had been together for five years and loved each other very much, yet they fought almost constantly. The lady was in despair as she couldn’t decide what to do. In her state she even said that her partner mustn’t truly love her. I found this rather strange because I remembered how, not so long ago, the man had taken leave and surprised her by renewing and modernizing the heating system in her whole house, so that she would be more comfortable. The gentleman wasn’t a heating engineer, so he even took the time to learn how to do what he had planned and then do it. If a man does this solely as a surprise for a woman then there is absolutely no way he doesn’t truly love her, I thought. About a month after that surprise, he surpised her again by pruning the trees in her garden. And yet the woman was crying on my shoulder, complaining about how the man must not truly love her because he never takes her to the theatre or at least to a nice walk. You can see the underlying problem in their relationship too, can’t you? The man’s love language was acts of service, while the woman’s was quality time. The man always gave favors to the woman, while she constantly arranged for some special thing they could do together. Unfortunately, neither of them interpreted the other’s intentions the way the other had hoped they would. Upon realizing this, I asked the woman if she knew about the concept of the five love languages. To my surprise, her answer was yes. Then I asked her if she knew hers and she answered quality time. We’re on the right track so far, I thought. After that I asked her if she knew what her partner’s love language was. She thought about it and then said she had no idea. Wow. We’ve been madly in love for five years and I don’t even know his love language? she said with a jolt. We continued talking and it didn’t take long for her to figure out the man’s love language. This brought a huge change to their relationship. When the woman recieved favors from the man, she started to see them as expressions of love, which made her appriciate them much more. Not only that, but she also learned how to show her love through acts of service as well. She talked to her partner and explained to him all of this and how her love language was quality time. Moral of the story is, their relationship began to improve.

So what are some important conclusions from this story? First of all, figure out what your love language is. Then, take a look at the important people in your life from the same perspective and try to find out their love language as well. It is crucial in all kinds of relationships, be it familial, friendly, romantic, etc.... Try to give love to everyone the way they are most likely to appreciate it, if you can! Of course when choosing a partner, the most ideal scenario is you both having the same love language. The chances of that however, are very bleak. So if you aren’t one of the ,,lucky few” try to give love to your partner in their love language and at the same time guide them toward understanding yours.

I hope that this writing could give you some valuable advice. If it did, it has already served its main purpose...

DRDE

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If you’d be interested in reading a book which talks even further about the topic above as well as many other life changing concepts click here. But don’t forget that the answers to Life’s great questions can only truly be found in yourself! This book as well as this blog can only help you find your own way there...

 

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