The first step of finding happiness: the recognition and basic elements – part 6: Perfectionism or the constant need to lose weight ll.

(If you wish to read this article in its original, Hungarian version, click here)

I’ve got a lot of replies to the previous part of this article and although I want to write about a lot of other topics within this heading, I thought I’d write my thoughts out of myself in a manner which I think would be interesting for you. If you haven’t read the first part, you can find it here. I suggest reading it before reading this one because most of the things that will be said here, are built on things mentioned there.

By the end of the last article we got to the conclusion that, the more you want the world to be satisfied with you the more perfectionist you are with yourself. Most of the time, this strong need to please and impress is rooted in the feeling that you aren’t worthy of love and that you aren’t good enough. The rate of perfectionism and maximalism has been growing and growing in our society for decades now. An interesting example from my life is when, not so long ago, a friend of mine (who is a plastic surgeon) told me that buttock enhancement (implants) for men are more common than breast implants for women. It came as a surprise to me that so many men are affected by this. But then I realized that it was very unfair of me to assume that this problem would be bigger in the circle of women. The feeling that makes you think you’re not worthy of love isn’t limited by gender. The only factor that matters in this case is the amount of true unconditional love a person got throughout their life.

We have to stop for a moment here. I didn’t put that correctly. Because the amount of unconditional love we get isn’t the only factor here. We also need to take a look at how much of that love we are able to accept. This is really important. As children we naturally accept every bit of love radiated toward us. But I see every day how adults push away love, affection or any positive feeling. Most of them do it unconsciously and unintentionally.

Children who  don’t get enough love and therefore long for it througout their whole childhood will grow up to be adults who are building the same kind of relationships for themselves. Even if they know rationally that these kinds of relationships aren’t good for them, they still attract them unconsciously. Think a little about your past and take a look at the basic emotional structure that your closest relationships have.

Just the other day I read an article about online dating, which suggested the reason these dating apps are generally unsuccessful is that 95% of men want women who are the best 5%, the same way 95% of women want men who are the best 5% as well. This example grows from the same root I’ve been writing of. If you want something that you have minimal chances of getting and you end up not getting it, then you again have a reason for why you’re not worthy of love. 

Let’s view the other side of the coin too. An amazingly good-looking woman who wasn’t loved enough as a child decides to find a completely normal, loyal and trustworthy man and settle down. The man almost instantly falls in love with her and treats her really well. Sadly, the ending is quite predictable, isn’t it? The woman will break up with the man in no time. Her reasoning will be along the lines of ,,the man was boring and easy to get and she wanted an adventure”. When the real reason is actually something that the woman probably doesn’t even know about. The real reason is that this man gave her the unconditional love that she doesn’t think she deserved and it was impossible for her to accept it since she didn’t believe herself worthy of anyone’s love. So being with this man, accepting the love he gave her was just too scary for her. Her EGO figured out a reason like the one above and so all of this surfaces in “he wasn’t interesting enough”.

The conclusion is obvious. The more we feel like we are loveable and the more we accept and love ourselves, the better chances we have of finding a good and healthy relationship! This also means that you won’t be so critical with yourself and the world, so you won’t feel the need to satisfying the world that much. I will write about how to achieve this in another heading (click here). But let’s continue in the direction of self knowledge. Take a look at yourself objectively and try to figure out how self critisizing you are, how strict you are with the world, how many of your past relationships were built on unreachability or failure. Everything will be clearer once you come up with the answers…

In connection to this let’s discuss lifestyle a bit. I mentioned it in the first part as well but now I’ll further detail it. Let us start with an example. We have a woman who didn’t get enough love as a child. Of course she’s very critical and strict to herself and is never satisfied with the way she is. She longs for a better appearance. She never eats dinner. Because of that she can’t sleep at night and wakes up very early. The early waking invites thinking (normal, evolutional reaction from our brain which is working faster now because of the hunger), so every morning becomes a battlefield of unstoppable thoughts. The lack of sleep she gets demands coffee in the morning, but since little sleep has become the norm, the effect of the coffee is fading faster. So she drinks more coffee every week. This big amount of caffeine uses up the energy spares of her body, which makes the coffee even less effective as a result. The average caffeine level is high in her body at the evening, which results in even more restless nights. This is a negative spiral that results in even less sleep, more coffee, deconcentration and worse stress tolerance. As a result, the woman in our example tries to balance the growing stress in her life with Xanax, smoking or alcohol. But as usual these make everything even worse. They generate bad decisions that lead to an even worse lifestyle. Of course, none of this is noticeable on the surface. Makeup and caution, being careful about her image because she still cares about what others think help her hide this huge problem form the world. The same way her EGO hides it from her and makes her think that life is hard and that she’s simply unlucky to have it.

Did you (partly) recognize yourself? If not, how many people in your environment do you think would?

In theory, it’s easy to get out of this cycle. Everything starts with coffee. You can’t drink coffee after lunch no matter how tired you are and before lunch you can only drink one. You also have to eat a great dinner every night (of course something that’s not too fattening if that bothers you). If you’re really scared of gaining weight, cut these calories during the day but never miss dinner! The results won’t come on the first day. You’ll feel them around day 3-4. Slowly your body will clear itself of caffeine and since it will be tired you will sleep more easily every day. If you can keep this up and don’t fall back into that toxic cycle, you’ll be more relaxed and able to concentrate during the day. The results of this will be better stress management and better decisions. Then you won’t need cigarettes, Xanax or alcohol. Put all of them down step by step to make the results permanent.

Here I would like to grasp the opportunity to write a little about smoking. It’s very interesting to me that there are more women smoking than men. Why? The answer’s easy! Information has spread that smoking decreases hunger. And once you’ve started you can’t put it down, because you think if you do you’ll gain a few kilos for sure. But this is not the right diet! By smoking you’re basically considering your body a garbage dump. You don’t love really yourself if you do this to your body every day, right? Of course your EGO has an explanation for why smoking isn’t that bad for you. But health is the root of happiness. Furthermore, smoking weakens your immune system and increases your chances of illness.

Changing a toxic lifestyle into a better one will only work if you heal your soul too in the process. Because even if you quit the earlier mentioned addictive cycle, the problem, the wound in your soul is still there and it can cause you to fall back or find another addictive cycle without even realizing it…

DRDE

If you are interested in the previous part of this heading click here. 

If you are interested in the next part of this heading click here.

If you’d be interested in reading a book which talks even further about the topic above as well as many other life changing concepts click here. But don’t forget that the answers to Life’s great questions can only truly be found in yourself! This book as well as this blog can only help you find your own way there...

If you seek a better understanding of the blog’s structure, you can find a short guide here.

 

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